Invented scene and dialogue. Original political satire by dontcallit.si. The cartoon does not depict an actual meeting or actual quotations.
Putin gets a character reference. Humanity would like a word.
On October 21, Trump's envoy Steve Witkoff called Vladimir Putin a "humanitarian" after Russia released retired American teacher Stephen Hubbard. Five days later, a UN commission announced findings of war crimes and crimes against humanity involving Russia's attacks on Ukraine's energy infrastructure. [1][2]
Somewhere between those two assessments, Donald's team appears to have confused getting along with a man and checking what he does to everybody else.
We have imagined how that approach might work in a group chat.
The group chat, messages, membership changes, and dialogue below are invented satire.
Donald created a chat called VERY GOOD PEOPLE and made himself the administrator. His first message asked everyone to confirm that he was doing an incredible job.
Witkoff replied immediately. Putin sent a thumbs-up.
Donald described the meeting as productive.
An aide suggested adding someone from Ukraine, since the conversation concerned Ukraine.
"We've already got Vladimir."
"He represents Russia."
"Then he knows the area."
Witkoff suggested starting with something everyone could agree on. Donald proposed a photograph of Donald. Putin approved it, and the peace process acquired its first attachment.
The aide posted a link to the UN's findings.
Donald pressed his thumb against the message until a menu appeared. He was disappointed to find that Delete Report applied only to his own screen.
"Who invited the United Nations?"
"Nobody. It's a link."
"Then why are they talking?"
Putin offered to help with administration. Witkoff thought that sounded constructive. Donald gave Putin permission to manage the group because, as he explained, somebody needed to deal with the interruptions.
The aide disappeared from the chat.
"Look at that," Donald said. "He gets things done."
A second aide joined to explain that the first aide had been removed for posting evidence.
Putin removed the second aide.
Donald was impressed by the consistency.
The remaining staff tried sending the findings as a photograph. Donald enlarged it, looking for himself. When he found no picture of Donald, he asked why it had been sent to Donald.
Witkoff recommended returning to the positive atmosphere of the discussion.
An adviser pointed out that the atmosphere had improved because everyone raising a problem was being expelled.
Donald checked the participant count. It was lower, which meant efficiency had improved too.
By lunchtime, the group had reached unanimous agreement that the group was going well.
A request arrived to admit Ukraine's president.
"Does he have a question?" Donald asked.
"Several."
"We just got everybody agreeing."
Putin suggested leaving the request pending. Donald liked pending. It sounded like progress without requiring him to hear anything.
The phone displayed a warning that another administrator could now change the group's settings.
Donald asked whether this meant Putin could make his photograph larger.
Putin made Donald's photograph larger.
The warning was dismissed.
At the afternoon briefing, a reporter asked whether Ukraine had participated in the discussion.
Donald said the discussion had been excellent.
The reporter asked again.
Donald said everyone involved had been extremely cooperative. He had the chat history to prove it. The uncooperative people had been removed from the chat history.
Back on the phone, Donald tried to change the group's name to DONALD DELIVERS PEACE.
He no longer had permission.
Putin explained that this would prevent misunderstandings.
Donald requested an exception for the title. Putin offered him a choice of three profile photographs instead. All were of Donald.
The president selected the largest and announced that he had retained full creative control.
That evening, the group issued its final statement: every outstanding disagreement had been resolved.
Donald tried to congratulate everyone.
Only Vladimir could send messages now.
What actually happened
The commission found deliberate energy attacks intended to deprive Ukrainian civilians of essential services and cause suffering. [2]
It also found evidence that Russian authorities trafficked people from 29 countries into their armed forces through deception and coercion. These are commission findings, not a new court conviction of Putin. [2]
Hubbard's release deserves to be welcomed. Witkoff's praise followed that release. Asked about the "humanitarian" label, Trump qualified his agreement as applying to that particular purpose, rather than offering an unqualified endorsement. [1]
Thanking someone for releasing a prisoner does not require giving the rest of his conduct a complimentary wash and wax.
Key Takeaways
- Witkoff's "humanitarian" remark followed Hubbard's October 21 release. Trump's subsequent response was qualified. [1]
- The commission concluded that Russia's energy attacks constituted war crimes and crimes against humanity. [2]
- Its trafficking findings covered 29 countries. [2]
Questions worth asking
Who called Putin a "humanitarian"?
Steve Witkoff, Trump's envoy, on October 21, 2026, after Russia freed Stephen Hubbard. [1]
What did the UN commission conclude about the energy attacks?
It found intentional attacks on civilian infrastructure and a state policy of depriving civilians of energy-dependent services and causing suffering. It concluded that Russian authorities committed war crimes and crimes against humanity. [2]
What evidence did the commission use?
Accounts from 255 people, plus information from Ukrainian authorities, doctors, and nongovernmental organizations, informed its energy investigation. [2]
Did Trump endorse Witkoff's description without qualification?
No. He limited his agreement to the prisoner release and declined to make a broader judgment. [1]
Receipts
- 1. Reuters: Hubbard's release, Witkoff's remark, and Trump's qualified response, October 21.
- 2. OHCHR: The commission's October 26 findings on energy attacks and trafficking. Read the reproduced OHCHR release.
- CNN: The report that prompted this article, October 26.
More presidential judgment
Our earlier Putin installment found Donald asking to speak to Zelenskyy's manager. The domestic version involves calling reality fake while the bills keep arriving.
