Donald discovers that Americans have been sharing names without asking him.
Political satire. The department, meeting, generic citizens, forms, and dialogue below are invented. Real allegations in the Alaska Senate race remain disputed and are summarized separately after the story.
Donald was halfway through his morning briefing when an aide informed him that Alaska had two Senate candidates named Sullivan.
He lowered the briefing.
"How long have they known?"
"The candidates have been on the ballot for some time."
"And nobody secured the name?"
The aide explained that a surname was not a parking space.
Donald requested a second opinion from someone who understood real estate.
A national shortage of different names
Within an hour, the imaginary Department of Approved Names had its first assignment: determine how two men had obtained permission to be Dan.
The department's director suggested checking their birth certificates.
"Too slow," Donald said. "Ask which one supports me."
"That doesn't establish identity."
"It establishes which identity we need."
A clerk explained that one candidate was Dan S. Sullivan and the other was Daniel J. Sullivan Jr.
Donald studied the names.
"So one has extra letters."
"Yes."
"Where did he get them?"
The clerk said she had not previously encountered a chain-of-custody requirement for the alphabet.
Donald circled the J.
"Start there."
Please state your name and why you need it
The department introduced Form DAN-1, Application to Continue Being Called What You Have Always Been Called.
Applicants were required to provide their full name, their previous full name, and the name Donald thought they should have.
If those matched, the application was suspiciously coordinated.
If they differed, it was an identity crisis requiring additional funding.
A generic citizen named Dan arrived at the counter.
"I just need to renew my fishing license."
The clerk asked whether he was the approved Dan.
"My mother approved it."
"Was she federally recognized?"
He offered to go by Daniel.
The clerk turned her monitor toward him. Daniel had already been claimed by several thousand other people.
"What about my middle name?"
"We're investigating middle names."
"Can I use a nickname?"
She leaned forward.
"Sir, please stop creating aliases at the counter."
The John problem
At the afternoon briefing, the department presented preliminary findings.
There were multiple Johns.
Donald asked how many.
The director said enough to require a separate building.
"And Smith?"
The director closed the folder.
"I would prefer to discuss that after the election."
An aide suggested that voters might distinguish candidates by reading the ballot.
Donald looked disappointed.
"We're trying to solve this without involving the voters."
The department proposed an emergency naming convention. Approved candidates would retain their names. Everyone else would receive a neutral designation explaining why they should not win.
The clerk asked who decided what counted as neutral.
Donald said he had always been an excellent judge of people who agreed with him.
A very efficient count
Finally, a lawyer arrived with an awkward observation: a dispute about campaign tactics required evidence and applicable law.
Donald said that was precisely why he had established a department instead of reading the observation.
The lawyer asked whether the department intended to investigate its own side's use of spoiler candidates.
The director explained that those were different.
"How?"
"They're in a different folder."
By closing time, the department had achieved its first measurable result. Thousands of Americans were waiting for permission to introduce themselves.
The generic Dan returned to the counter.
"Have you decided what I can call myself?"
The clerk handed him a number.
"For now, you're 438."
Across the room, another man stood up.
"I'm 438."
Donald reached for the telephone.
"Get me the Department of Numbers."
Key Takeaways
- Alaska's ballot includes incumbent Dan S. Sullivan and Daniel J. Sullivan Jr.
- Federal authorities are investigating alleged spoiler recruitment and seeking to delay certification under specified circumstances.
- Peltola denies involvement. An investigation is not a finding of guilt.
Questions Worth Asking
Are there really two Sullivan candidates?
Yes. Alaska candidate information
Has Peltola admitted recruiting the other Sullivan?
No. She and her campaign deny involvement. Associated Press
Is sharing a candidate's name itself proof of a crime?
No. Any alleged offense must be evaluated against specific evidence and law. Associated Press reporting
Can Alaska voters rank more than one candidate?
Yes. Its ranked-choice system allows voters to express additional preferences. Alaska Public Media
Source context: Reporting alleges recruitment by Democratic operatives. Peltola disputes involvement. Spoiler tactics have been used by both parties; that does not resolve the facts or legality of this case. Associated Press
Original political satire by dontcallit.si Editorial. The pictured citizens are fictional, not portraits of the Alaska candidates.
Related satire: Heads We Win. Tails We Sue Alaska.
